Saturday, September 24, 2011

Healed...Empowered...Restored

Someone recently asked me what I had been healed from. They thought I had been sick. So, I told them them that I had been healed from kidney disease. (Which I really have been, according to my doctor). But in reality, when I chose the brand HER...Healed Empowered Restored, I just thought it was catchy, cute, inspirational. I don't even know how I came up with it. I just woke up one day around my 47th birthday and said "I am HER...Healed Empowered and Restored". Now I am looking back at the events of my life (well, the past 7 years) that lead me to my new self.

After experiencing 3 life altering events in one year, my mind shut out 2 of them; the separation and the unemployment. I guess my mind has its own defense mechanism. So, I only dealt with the the sudden loss of my mother. That was the most devastating loss of the 3he. While I was still mourning and grieving this loss, my ex filed for divorce in 2006. I had no desire or strength to deal with that at that time so I said ok and we divorced and he kept everything and I got $10k. Hardly a pittance, but it was done and I could now finish the grief process of losing a parent. So, I did that. But had to go get that divorce stuff off the back burner in 2007 and deal with that. Easier said than done.

I didn't think I was affected so much by the divorce. It was a marriage that should have never happened in the first place. But I stuck it out for 16 years. I was submissive. I went to church, prayed, raised my 3 girls, was a devoted and supportive wife and mother. But something happened when I turned 40. I had become a grown woman and I wasn't taking no more shit. I put my foot down and prayed that he would change and become the husband I deserved. But it didnt happen. I felt that God had forsaken me. Then, come to find out it was all a lie. At this point I became a cocaine addict. Marijuana was no longer enough. I lost every material possession I had and I was still unemployed. I got me a boyfriend who was a dealer so that I could keep getting high. I didn't even like him, but he served a purpose. I still felt betrayed and forsaken by God. I tried counseling twice. The first time was with a female counselor, who, after 30 mintues of me talking had tears streaming down HER face. Then she touched my knee. i guess it was a comforting gesture, but I was not comforted and never went back. Then I went to a male. He immediately wanted to put me on Cymbalta. I refused to be medicated. I didn't think there was any medication that could help me.

By October, 2008, I realized that I had hit MY rock bottom. It was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death and I was tired of getting high. Suicidal, I went to the ER and was admitted to Belmont, with no medical insurance, but they had resources that allowed me coverage. I faked taking the meds they prescribed (LITHIUM< WTH? Then they tried to assure me it was ok..."it's the same meds Martin Lawrence takes" lmbo) anyway, I wasn't taking that mess.

Now, that's not to say that some people may need their medication. I'm not knocking anybody who takes them and it works for them. I just knew that wasn't what I needed.

I stayed in Belmont for 8 days. Watche the Phillies win the Championship there. Came home. Put distance between me and the boyfriend ( I was still unemployed). Never went to any meetings but stayed clean...for a while.

Where were my family? Friends? Who knows? Who cares? I obviously didnt need any of them. When you look up and all you have is GOD, then guess what? GOD is all you need! I'm a witness! I had like 3 friends who stuck with me thru thick and thin. My children had gone to live with their father and he was now taking me to court for child support. They didn't know what was really happening to me because I always kept on my mask for them. But they're not stupid. They definitely knew I wasn't the same.

On Dec. 8th I started working, making less money than I have EVER made in my ENTIRE life, and had an eviction notice. Oh Yeah, I had also started gambling and often too rent money from boyfriend to casino. Didn't know what I was going to do, but I knew that I was NOT moving with the boyfriend. So I just kept praying..and looking for apartments. On Christmas of that year, I got high.

By February 2009, I had found an apartment on craigslist. I called th young lady and when she told me the location I said never mind. She convinced me that it wasn't that bad and to at least come look at it. Here I am about to be homeless and being choosy. lol Low and behold it is a beautiful apartment! Spacious only one bedroom, but hey, it's only one of me. I got a sofabed in case kids wanted to come spend some time. The young lady wanted to sublet her apartment and move with her significant other to their City Ave. apt. She didn't want a deposit, I just had to pay the monthly rent until her lease was up in July. PRAYER WORKS.

By the time her lease was up, I still didn't have money for deposit, but the landlord let me make an arrangement to pay him a little extra each month!

So, when I say I'm healed, I'm thinking that I'm healed from all the hurt, bitterness and anger that I was experiencing. Healed from the scars of emotional, mental and physical abuse. Healed from not loving me. With no medication.


I've learned to love myself. Flaws and all.

Next to loving Jesus, that's the greatest love of all!

I thought I had begun to be empowered when I got a job. But that's not true. I became empowered when I stopped allowing substances to control my life. I became empowered when I stopped using them as a crutch to hide the pain in hurt I was experiencing. I became empowered when I took my power back and stopped allowing circumstances and people control my actions.

Restoration came only after I surrendered to Jesus. I had to realize that I have absolutely NO control over ANYTHING except my relationship with Him. I couldn't control my hurt, anger, bitterness I had to surrender it to Jesus...AND LEAVE IT WITH HIM. Only then would I begin the restoration process.

This is a daily thing. I have to surrender daily.

Long story short.

Healed...Empowered...and Restored.

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