Monday, February 9, 2009

Valentine's Day Provokes Self Examination

The funniest rumor that I heard about me was that I had gotten married. That is hilarious considering that I haven't even had a real boyfriend!

I really haven't even had much of a heart for the last 4 years. After my mom died, I literally felt my heart break. I never knew what it meant when somebody said they were heartbroken until then. I think the only people who I really can say that I loved during that time were my children. Anybody else was just ... there. After the heart break subsided, and my divorce finalized, my heart then turned to stone. I never really thought about it, it just became a way of life for me until around November of last year when my daughter asked me if I thought I would ever fall in love. My response of course was "what's love got to do with it?" and I advised her not to put too much emphasis on it. Her response was "Well, G-mom loved everybody, no matter what." My response: "I'm not G-mom." But she had made her point and planted the seed in my mind.

My mother and my grandmother really did love everybody that they knew - regardless of race, religion, social status, income, mental capacity, etc. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why they put up with some of the people that they put up with, and often asked them. Because I don't remember their answers, it probably didn't make sense to me and so I just dismissed it.

Since my daughter's question, I've read different books about the subject of love and the different types of love. I snapped back to reality and am thankful for God's love for me because without it I am nothing. I also came to realized that I really do love my relatives and my closest friends. Most importantly, I LOVE ME!!!

Then I joined Enon and you know how you have to go to discipleship classes before you receive the right hand of fellowship - well, the first lesson touched on the three types of love, and our last lesson went in depth on the subject. So I figure,maybe it's time for me to be open to another type of love.

Now, everywhere I look and listen, people are talking about love. At church, the scripture reading was 1Chorinthians 12-13. I listen to the radio and everybody's playing love songs. Everybody's got a Valentine's day special or sale.

I have never been one to put much emphasis on man-made holidays, and this Valentine's Day is no exception. But all of the talk and commercials have made me re-evaluate my position. Although I am alone, I'm not lonely (for the most part). I believe that love is something that happens over a period of time, after you really get to know a person. I know I am not at the point to love someone totally unconditionally because I'm not God.

I do know that I was created to love and to be loved, but not to settle for anything less than I desire or deserve. So I made a list of characteristics that I want in potential mates and I don't think that they are unreasonable. We'll see. Not that I'm looking to "fall in love", I honestly don't believe in that.

Wish me luck!

I'll keep you posted.

Peace and Love.

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